Difficult Conversations

Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen, Viking Press, 1999.

This book comes out of the work of the Harvard Negotiation Project which is known for introducing us to the most popular book ever written on Negotiation: Getting to Yes by Roger Fisher and William Ury, published in 1981.

The most valuable part of the material for me came in Chapter One when the premise for the rest of the book is presented: Each difficult conversation is really three different conversations. The book then goes on to help us sort out these conversations in a practical way.

Difficult Conversations walks you through a concrete, step-by-step approach for understanding and conducting tough conversations. It shows you how to get read, how to start the conversations in ways that reduce defensiveness, and how to keep the conversation on a constructive track regardless of how the other person responds.

Topics include:

• How to decipher the underlying structure of every difficult conversation.
• Why what is not said is as important as what is.
• How to identify and change your deeply ingrained but erroneous assumptions that get you into trouble.
• The role of emotions - yours and theirs.
• How conversations affect your self-image and how your self-image affects your conversations.
  

The checklist and road map at the end of the book make a great place to review after you have read the book. And I do recommend you read it. Whether you intellectually know how you should be communicating or whether this is a new area for you, the practical implications and process presented in this book are invaluable.

RFH (99/05)

As you might be able to tell, I liked the book. However, I recently came across a book review by Ron Zembe who is a senior editor of TRAINING in the issue June 1999. Ron was pretty critical of the book. Here is an excerpt:

Unfortunately, Difficult Conversations is bloated and much too difficult to read. It meanders. It’s overburdened with psychobabble. It is padded lie an overstuffed scarecrow…If you’re looking for help for people in your organization who sometimes must have touch conversations,… this book could be helpful. But digging out the useful stuff is a lot harder than it had to be.

I don’t share Ron’s view but I do think it could have been more succinct. I have recommended it to others and there does seem to be mixed reviews. It is a must on my book self, but clearly others do not share this opinion.

RFH (99/10)

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